Open letter to self

Today is my conception date.


I am celebrating by starting this blog.


My fathers birthday December 11


My mothers birthday December 13


to celebrate their birthdays on Dec 12 1972


I was made me.


6 months later I arrived. prematurely weighing in


at 2 pounds and 13 ounces


of my mothers 5 pregnancies thereafter


I was the first and only one to survive





I was known as "The Miracle Baby".





I have heard


how you are born into this world is a predestine contract defining how you will live your life.


I believe all of us have a divine mission .... the "journey" is employed to discover it.





So, with that...I landed here prematurely to parents


both reckless in teenage tendencies


...and fighting for my life right out of the womb.


So in retrospect


yes


I have habitually pushed through a lot of portals prematurely to arrive fighting for my life, my perception, my constitution, my art, and my love.
(I will explain my truth with that at a later entry.)


I have habitually clung, dated, and fallen in love with people (men and women) unavailable and/or incapable of extending adequate and/or nurturing love by default... and if they were adequate I pushed them away and ran in fear...we often attract what we reflect, we reflect what we know... hence I did not know how to love properly. (I'll get into what my environment dictated over the course of the blog.. just follow me)

i wish to honestly explain how... I made it all up as I went along.

My observations were my guide. my emotions to became my dictator. I was not privileged to the reliance of parental stability.


I am 37 and just now am confronting the mandate of owning, honoring, and defining my purpose for me... not for my mother, not for my daughter, and not for the man or woman i am loving.


Oh, I was also born in mercury retrograde.


While most people cringe at the thought of retrograde


for me for those 7-23 days


I feel aligned. my purpose, my core,my being vibrates, my head is clear, and I love it!

when most feel off I'm on
when most feel on I'm off
I think this is why I get along with Geminis

Disclaimer...

...when i was little I started my coloring books from the back to the front.


...by starting this blog this is my attempt to bury the ashes of my past and clear up my future path of ghost.


...I'm starting this blog to honestly acknowledge the trauma, love, and success in my life


I am going to utilize this platform to be honest ...completely honest about everything including everyone. I promise not to hold back anything. (Names will appear in initial (MJ) or maybe a pet name) This blog will be my open book. and the truth will be told.





why? because I have buried a lot of trauma and emotion.


I've swallowed it whole and buried it in my gut
left wondering if my digestive tract even developed correctly

I lived in an incubator for the first 3 months of my life

I'm curious about that. I do know I passionately crave touch and I define my love based on a touch. an emotional touch, a mental touch, an artistic touch, I crave touch.

hence it is so embedded that


how I digest everything causes me discomfort


how i digest food


how I digest information'


how I digest encounters with people


and this blog is me projectile vomiting it all up.





why else? WOMEN ITS TIME FOR US TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! This is my attempt to be a part of the change I wish to see and create a encouraging platform for women to feel safe to speak.

to get "it" all off our chest


out of our heads


and empty these cement store houses in our bellies


make it soft again free it back up for creation


creation of our art

creation of ourselves

creation of our babies


the way the goddess intended


before the men came.

join me on this journey

I pray that I am free so all beings are free
I pray that I am healhty so that all beings are healthy
I pray that I am aligned w/ my divine purpose so that all beings are aligned w/ divine purpose