just to get by

There are ghost of transparent regret that haunt me. Casting shadows often hidden in the corners of my heart and tucked in the folds of mind, never latent on my smile. I purposefully create images that hold an arms distance between my heart and my viewer. Protecting my constant defense. I often yearn to be offensive and wide open. The images are beautiful on purpose. They mask the honesty of my suffering encoded in the obvious. It is rare to experience a moment of surrender ...it is rare to feel safe. Looking through the pictures I rarely smiled with her ...I rarely held her hand.... It's most likely the damaged trust issue embedded in her rapid ability to vacate the premises.

Now habitually I repeat the cycle and provide the love an exit route. I struggle to trust myself to love. My actions are often clumsy and uncensored. I've been self taught for primarily everything... often blind like finger tips to braille following the sound of loose change rolled up dimes sculpted by false destiny and soap opera dreams deferred... too fragile to ask for help. The disappointment of others hurt much more than disappointing myself...the fear of being too exposed too vulnerable. So today I wear it all on my sleeve. All of this well versed in the perfect amount of paranoia and pain. Often exchanging a piece of my fortune for a spectators love an admiration. When what was entitled to me by birth was denied. unconditional love. It became my responsibilty to make our life perfect thus making her life perfect......children can not afford to be lived through vicirously until they have a life all their own to live through.