Monday, December 28, 2009

Blessed be these four corners

These are calculated versions of my own personal thought process.... mixed with Celtic cross tarot claims, Buddhism, and African veve cosmology ....add Newton's Laws of gravity and Plato (I'm into Newton, and Plato and Nichiren just as much if not more than I'm in to Jay-Z, T.I., and Fiona Apple and oh yeah..I also love schematics and geometry ... my favorite subject... this is how I figure out everything....I'm self taught remember ... My very own personal equation/road map to figure it out... life, motivations, intentions, everything.... when I'm wrong I'll admit it... I realize this is too much... this has to be the reason my brain is if I'm giving you the blank stare mid convo..this is inner workings of the conversation ... you can gauge the outcome by my love for you... when everything in the water computes so to speak...Ignorance was bliss it was quiet and simple... only time the noise stops is when I'm Chanting, Making Art or Making Love, or having a great conversation about art and valid politics...not Tiger Woods but real social change and real Passion for it...and really there are no divisions...Jay-Z is Newton and T.I is Plato and all of us are Nichiren....and Making Passionate GREAT Love is Making Passionate GREAT Art and that is Social Change cause the world is having a really hard time loving right now.
I prayed for clarity but I think I got clairvoyancy...

(E)AST=FIRE =FUTURE x BRIGHTNESS+MOTION ...Think feet walking on hot coal....
(W)EST=WATER=PAST=An anxious twitch in my stomach... yoga helps....

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

just to get by

There are ghost of transparent regret that haunt me. Casting shadows often hidden in the corners of my heart and tucked in the folds of mind, never latent on my smile. I purposefully create images that hold an arms distance between my heart and my viewer. Protecting my constant defense. I often yearn to be offensive and wide open. The images are beautiful on purpose. They mask the honesty of my suffering encoded in the obvious. It is rare to experience a moment of surrender is rare to feel safe. Looking through the pictures I rarely smiled with her ...I rarely held her hand.... It's most likely the damaged trust issue embedded in her rapid ability to vacate the premises.

Now habitually I repeat the cycle and provide the love an exit route. I struggle to trust myself to love. My actions are often clumsy and uncensored. I've been self taught for primarily everything... often blind like finger tips to braille following the sound of loose change rolled up dimes sculpted by false destiny and soap opera dreams deferred... too fragile to ask for help. The disappointment of others hurt much more than disappointing myself...the fear of being too exposed too vulnerable. So today I wear it all on my sleeve. All of this well versed in the perfect amount of paranoia and pain. Often exchanging a piece of my fortune for a spectators love an admiration. When what was entitled to me by birth was denied. unconditional love. It became my responsibilty to make our life perfect thus making her life perfect......children can not afford to be lived through vicirously until they have a life all their own to live through.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Chopped and Screwed

today: december 12th 2009.

then: december 12th 1971

my parents made love

my mother:

for the first time

finally touched

by a man she consented this time to enter her

my father:

a sleek and smooth two feet and 8 wheels

picked women at his leisure... for his leisure think (sweetness in roll bounce)

me a nebula

on this day we picked each other and in 1972 our worlds collided.

my mother wanted to marry my father

says she was in love

my father could not afford to marry her

she wanted the finer things at 16

my mother:

she is still holding on to that hurt now with anger

she is still holding on to the fantasy coated in the fog of delusion

she watched soap operas

handed me coloring books

shhh do not disturb her

my father was suppose to show up

and be her everything

he did not save her

from her own domestic demise

so she went bitter

I learned today he did show up

it was taken for granted

he did not show up

and meet her exact expectations

but meeting a responsibility was offered

she rejected as not good enough

NO ring

NO house

NO car

NO wedding

she took me and ran

she ran in the name of protecting me

they called her unfit

they called her too many names to bounce back from

Atlantic city New Jersey:


abandoned in rented in motel rooms

on broad walks

stuck to tables eating maple syrup

while she went to work

and 'Danced"

phone call made by a neighbor to home

come get the baby

Custody battle later...

enrolled me in Montessori schools Age 3 I was learning french

included me on family trips to Tennessee to experience Native American pow wows
provided me a stable happy life.

Mom found out...thought the love and acceptance for me would turn into love and acceptance of her.

I became the bargining tool of her self serving manipulation

I guess she expected it to be all bad
came back and stayed for awhile

We stayed till I was 5 still untouched and innocent

Friday, December 11, 2009

Open letter to self

Today is my conception date.

I am celebrating by starting this blog.

My fathers birthday December 11

My mothers birthday December 13

to celebrate their birthdays on Dec 12 1972

I was made me.

6 months later I arrived. prematurely weighing in

at 2 pounds and 13 ounces

of my mothers 5 pregnancies thereafter

I was the first and only one to survive

I was known as "The Miracle Baby".

I have heard

how you are born into this world is a predestine contract defining how you will live your life.

I believe all of us have a divine mission .... the "journey" is employed to discover it.

So, with that...I landed here prematurely to parents

both reckless in teenage tendencies

...and fighting for my life right out of the womb.

So in retrospect


I have habitually pushed through a lot of portals prematurely to arrive fighting for my life, my perception, my constitution, my art, and my love.
(I will explain my truth with that at a later entry.)

I have habitually clung, dated, and fallen in love with people (men and women) unavailable and/or incapable of extending adequate and/or nurturing love by default... and if they were adequate I pushed them away and ran in fear...we often attract what we reflect, we reflect what we know... hence I did not know how to love properly. (I'll get into what my environment dictated over the course of the blog.. just follow me)

i wish to honestly explain how... I made it all up as I went along.

My observations were my guide. my emotions to became my dictator. I was not privileged to the reliance of parental stability.

I am 37 and just now am confronting the mandate of owning, honoring, and defining my purpose for me... not for my mother, not for my daughter, and not for the man or woman i am loving.

Oh, I was also born in mercury retrograde.

While most people cringe at the thought of retrograde

for me for those 7-23 days

I feel aligned. my purpose, my core,my being vibrates, my head is clear, and I love it!

when most feel off I'm on
when most feel on I'm off
I think this is why I get along with Geminis


...when i was little I started my coloring books from the back to the front. starting this blog this is my attempt to bury the ashes of my past and clear up my future path of ghost.

...I'm starting this blog to honestly acknowledge the trauma, love, and success in my life

I am going to utilize this platform to be honest ...completely honest about everything including everyone. I promise not to hold back anything. (Names will appear in initial (MJ) or maybe a pet name) This blog will be my open book. and the truth will be told.

why? because I have buried a lot of trauma and emotion.

I've swallowed it whole and buried it in my gut
left wondering if my digestive tract even developed correctly

I lived in an incubator for the first 3 months of my life

I'm curious about that. I do know I passionately crave touch and I define my love based on a touch. an emotional touch, a mental touch, an artistic touch, I crave touch.

hence it is so embedded that

how I digest everything causes me discomfort

how i digest food

how I digest information'

how I digest encounters with people

and this blog is me projectile vomiting it all up.

why else? WOMEN ITS TIME FOR US TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! This is my attempt to be a part of the change I wish to see and create a encouraging platform for women to feel safe to speak.

to get "it" all off our chest

out of our heads

and empty these cement store houses in our bellies

make it soft again free it back up for creation

creation of our art

creation of ourselves

creation of our babies

the way the goddess intended

before the men came.

join me on this journey

I pray that I am free so all beings are free
I pray that I am healhty so that all beings are healthy
I pray that I am aligned w/ my divine purpose so that all beings are aligned w/ divine purpose