Thursday, February 4, 2010
I have a bad addiction for men who rock the mic right.
...when Left is the feminine side.
My feminine side is now loaded and weighed down.
Heavy with false promises, protective amour, and disappointments of my own demise. Pain.
I am guilty of loving others more than I have loved myself. I was simply doing what I learned how to do. You attract what you reflect, you reflect what you know. What I know now is that I am loving and peaceful regardless.
One has to be "Committed and Addicted" to be a great Bottom Bitch. That was my goal. I witnessed how ladies would shine at him, the way he handled them with care, giving them clothes and money (little did I know they earned it and those were my aunt wanda's clothes...he stole em while she was away at college). I was addicted to how my Uncle William claimed me on the streets. Dared anyone to question how/why he was pushing a stroller, I was with him. period. I felt worth something to belong to him , I had a purpose like the shiny ladies, to make him proud (that's all I knew). Its what I learned how to do at an early age. I was groomed to Love like A Best Bottom Bitch would.
My teacher, my Uncle William aka Dolla Bill a Pimp.
He was the baby boy of my grandmothers 7 children. My "babysitter"
He'd put me in my umbrella stroller and we'd be back alley bound. My job was to look cute and smile politely (the proverbial chick magnet and Po Po deflector I presume). I was unaware of the business at hand. My favorite part of the adventure... when it was time to play make the "dice roll and fly in the air", it was my job to kiss the dice and then pray real hard.
Ask any of my ex's who gamble on anything, especially their Artistry before they were known, like a good baby girl full of innocent promise and magic, did I not kiss the dice and pray real hard. I'm pretty sure Saul Williams, Charles Lee Stuart (Charlie Tuna), and Leor Dimant (DJ Lethal) would agree.
My love for the music, the art of words, and the "principalities" of the matter hands down always wins me over.
I also hold my Uncle Larry responsible to some extent. My Aunt LaVans then boyfriend now husband of 35 years. He was a musician that served in the Vietnam war ... his presence in my 3 year old life was also ingrained. I guess as a counterbalance of sorts. When he and my aunt initially started dating, I'd let it be known every encounter "i don't like you. You're always taking my Aunnie away." He'd return with treats but I didn't budge until I was 7 and I went to live with them.
Soldier, Musician, Hustler, Poets and Pimp all rings synonymous, analogous and juxtaposed in my mind. The evidence is in my paintings.
My cut of the prize after I Kissed the dice and prayed real hard...was always a guaranteed bag of Jays Salt and Sours, a pack of Twinkies,and a Grape pop. We'd always win! On our way home from collecting the earnings we'd stop at the "real" corner store, Clay's pharmacy at 114th and Laflin which was black owned and had a real cash register...what made this moment great in retrospect is that Clay's was frequented by everyone in Maple Park and Morgan Park it wasn't a question of Target or Wal greens, or Rite Aid NO ... a real black owned business. Unfortunate that in the 80's Clay's became a real corner "pharmacy" by all means. Clay was murdered in his own business. It's now a Korean Dry cleaners. Clay's daughter Marcia is who I'm named after.
When learning how to pray for others, I habitually skipped over the beginning of the mantra that states pray for SELF and others.
I've carried around a pocket full of prayers to spare like change
and everyone loves some free shit. I had an unspoken value. gave it away in the name of "free" love.
I like kissing in dark places and fucking with the lights on
I have sunshine's ability to shine bright in dark places
there are so many ways to act
and there are many shades of black
So yes I have lit the path and he kept walking out
I lost my man to the studio
I tried to compete
I laid my tracks down smooth,
no feed back in the system,
our syncopated rhythms were rhythmically aligned by Universal Indigenous African standards. The beat and contract was tight. Guaranteed to hit big.
I lost my man to the studio.
Many times over
I've given birth to many stars
this time I said good-bye
I got a studio all my own
and now they wanna call me lesbian
Not painter, Not creative, Not survivor but Dyke.
I understand the female MC now more than ever.
There is no greater intimidating force than a woman in love with herself and her art.
Darkness consumes light and the skies turn grey
Mind, mine, tranquil transforming
the air feels like bricks
chasing dreams foot-stepped over yellow road floating kites
broken on beaches at the expense of a heart
and a vermilion sunset fade to black
How do you feel
I know now why and how
well warned i am
I still wish you'd love me properly
i take chances with you
What part of it was true
I'm guessing all of it
doodles on scraps
and all lies and denials in between included
You're hungry, searching and reckless
and you told me
to deliver what you needed
in so many ways
what we crave
this kind of love
the kind you really want
not what you want
like the first time fucked
may not have been so ordinary for you
but maybe routine for me