Wednesday, January 20, 2010

confessing sins...facing my accoutablity, and granting myself forgiveness

age 5-7 are the wonder years when life unfolds and defines life for a child
age 5-7 based on science, mythology, and nature is when magic is suppose to happen building blocks in the brain are formed...and the personality is set, a child builds their life and the mind structures from what happens from 5-7.
So my question is what does life look like for a child if 5-7 is filled with perpetual abandonment, neglect, and abuse in the name of the math..
I spent my wonder years in Fear.

When my mother uprooted me from stability and ran again. This time Arkansas I was 5 and his name was Joe. This is where my life took a turn, although my mother ran in the name of protecting me from her abuser she ran right into mine. He did not sexually abuse me, he preferred torture, pain, and humiliation. Next it was Texas at the age of 7 where I was frequently left alone in strangers home while she went out partying with friends. Finally last stop Los Angeles CA at 9 where I was "raised". This journey of my mothers "running" has shaped a lot of my being for the worst and it was expected that I'd fail... but I had an Angel of Mercy looking out for me... my Aunt Lavan Morrison (My Aunnie). My Aunt Lavan is the middle daughter of my grandparents 7 children.

When alone stuck to a motel table in Atlantic City NJ at the age of 2 she answered the phone call, at the age of 6, she terrified to fly, took a plane to Pine Bluff Arkansas the day the County came to evict my Mother and Joe and hand me over to Child Protective Services. Aunnie took me into custody... my mother signed me over.
When visiting Chicago once when I was 12 my aunt served as a "silent liaison" arranging an inconspicuous meeting with my father and his family.

I remember being relatively happy when living with my Aunt I made great friends! But most nights I would cry myself to sleep wishing for my mother. Feeling helpless Aunnie called my mother and her reply "she is old enough to do dishes and clean now... I'll get her" Off to Little Rock Arkansas. Charles was a better man than Joe.

Moms and I eventually laded in Los Angeles. It was around this point my mother converted to Buddhism, it is what provided me focus and discipline to be a courageous young woman, courageous to be everything my mother was not. I started to see/feel/chant my "way out" of her cycle. An Education. I strongly believe this was the best thing my mother ever did for me. At 17 I was accepted to Clark Atlanta University... and it was my aunt and father who called and made sure I was eating, and taking care if myself, it was my Aunt who helped me get my first apartment off campus. It was my Aunt, Father, and Uncle who served as my parents.

5-7 the emotional scars did not go away
7-11 I hid them...
11-16 I swallowed them and yelled shoulder's? back! chin's? up! eyes? bright! and what else? a smile! The Young Womens' Division Buddhist auxiliary group for girls (I attended every sunday Sun up to Sun Down...that was our courage call.

but once 19 and legal
I tattooed and pierced my pain beautiful
I drugged my pain a daily ethereal trip down the rabbit hole. left me feeling whole
I drank my pain uninhibited to say exactly what I felt
I fucked my pain boy and girl.. searching for the reflection.. a glimpse of light to call my love and cast a Shadow over my darkness.

I was left alone to rely on my own dysfunctional devices to define love
used my lovers heart as my springboard
forgive me CLS,KL,HW,KUA,SSW,NH,RTLW,MM,and SM I was clumsy and fell many times your reflections were the brightest. I contemplate if we could have ever found a resing place, I thought we hid our secrets well.
Because there are no victims, everything is divine, I trust the Universe immensely I have no real regrets just moments of questions
Offer me a moment of forgiveness as I confess my sins.

And for the record I have appreciation for my mother. These confessions are not an attack on her, I am being honest with myself for myself. Making an effort to lessen my karmic retribution so my daughter lives free.That's the work. I feel victorious she reminds me that regardless I am victorious.
I don't know how to carry regret
I do not know what that feels like
but i did learn how how to become restless and impatient with
outcomes and expectation
I've tucked years of anxiety and shame of failing away
ignored it
never looked back..Ran
I'm confessing my efforts have been in false vain
a vanity not my own but my mothers. Granted accomplishing her dreams and making her proud ... It has given me a grand platform to stand. I appreciate it and I have repaid my debt.
I never asked for fortune or fame
I asked for a love and legacy.
this is the reason for my distance at functions
my premature indigestion of love and fear
I haven't learned unconditional.
and this feeling has been tucked in my belly since 5
and has surfaced as an auto immune malfunction
My immune system now attacks my nervous system
Even though I am brave
I've never been a coward
often just as scared as that 5 year old awaiting her day of torture to descend upon her.
Creating Art is my self-soothing method

No comments:

Post a Comment